literature

Recent Events: Early October, 2011

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Literature Text

It feels odd, the situation I'm currently in. I'm halfway between hope and despair, and my life has come to my equivalent of a stand-still. I have a future to look forward to, becoming an Air Force engineer and putting my logical skills to use solving problems, but at the same time, I have nothing to look forward to in the immediate sense. As the realization that I'm likely leaving the state sets in (or fails to do so), those I once called 'friend' are drifting away. I'm finding greater solace in the conversations I hold with older individuals far from my area than conversations with people I've known for years. So all in all, the people near to me seem so much less interesting and are steadily distancing themselves from me.
The thing that worries me (or fails to do so, in this case) is that I couldn't care less.
It's strange, entertaining the idea that the people you once felt such kinship, such brotherhood towards will no longer be in your life. So too is the idea of a regular working life, without the worry of unemployment or financial trouble. I know that one day I might face such adversity, but at the same time it feels strange to not think about it.
What seems to strike me the most is my current disposition towards romance. I desire it yet, intensely, may I add, but I know that it would do me little good to search now. As I've said, I'll soon be leaving for a life in the military, and a relationship here would be both adolescent and temporary. How can I expect high school girls to understand what I'm doing, where I'm going, how I think? How can I be so selfish as to ask someone to follow me across the states just so we could be together? The answer, plain and simple, is that I cannot, and I would be foolish to think I could.
Aside from the obvious reasons of my departure and my tenure in military service, I also find my seeming lack of compatibility a matter of maturity and open-mindedness. When I list off what I am: A martial artist, a military man, an intellectual, a gamer, to sum things up, most girls here look at me strangely, as though that were all some crazy outcast's collection. I know not, for when I look at it all… I –think- I am different, appealing. A strong martial artist, an intellectual in many fields, unyielding in honor and virtue, protective, laid-back and yet disciplined, emotional as the situation allows… Perhaps it is simply the wrong time, the wrong place, and more importantly: The wrong age.
I am but 17 years of age. The people of my age are oft more concerned with material goods and the near future, of popularity and of money. Their relationships have 'breaks', 'complications', 'maybes', and other such nonsense that I find little use for. Perhaps I'm far too practical and old-fashioned, seeing sense only in the terms of either 'there is' or 'there isn't'. To me, there's no 'get back together later', or 'we just need time away'. There is only 'I'll be here for you' and 'I love you', or 'I'm leaving you'.
It seems that I might push such things… but it does not mean I am inflexible and uncompassionate. I understand when things become strange, and I know that in this changing world, we must think differently.
I am told that I am… too strict. That I set my standards far too high for that which is acceptable. I tell them I do not, for what I want… no, what I –need-, is truly not so much as they think. I don't need money, or power, or any other such nonsense… I need love. Loyalty. A best friend. Someone who'd never betray me, and who I would mesh with to perfection. When I say I desire a relationship… it doesn't mean I want someone to meet up with at a bar, or someone to have fun with for a few months. It means I want something permanent… that I'm looking for the one who will be at my side till my dying breath. They aren't standards… they're simply the conditions I set for myself to avoid causing both myself and somebody else the misery of eventual failure. When interests fail to meet, what is there to talk about? When the spark is gone, what shall happen to the flame?
Tis' not a bonfire I seek… tis' a lighting hearth who will warm my heart. Anyone who is married knows what I speak of.
Some tell me I've had chances before, that there are some who would willingly fall into my arms… They speak as though I hadn't noticed. I am told I should try… but why try when it will all fall apart? In high school, with a shut-in girl almost 2 years my junior? To what end? The eventual heartbreak of either a frustrating, nigh-incompatible relationship or the eventual dissipation that would come of my graduation and soon-after departure for a military life.
I'm told I have the proper looks to be attractive… but that seems more a curse to me than a blessing. I am not ungrateful for what chance has brought to me, but at the same time I must constantly ask myself whenever a woman smiles at me: "Is it because of who I am, or how I look?" Narcissistic? Maybe… but that is how my heart was first shattered.
Every day I must question whether or not a girl is sincere in their words and actions, because my views are eternally tainted.  I gave my heart, unaware that I was being used, and had it summarily crushed as I was cheated on and tossed aside like so much rubbish.
My advice to an aspiring bachelor: If you ask why she first loved you, and she answers "Because you're cute", don't hold out much hope. Appearance may be pleasing to the eye, but the heart shall never be satisfied.
But alas, I digress.
I've been thinking more and more about military life on-base, and how it would be. I've been asking more and more questions that only firsthand experience will give me. How will I live? Who will I meet? Will I be able to meet new, permanent friends? Will I be able to keep the ones I already want to keep close? Will I truly be happy? I can ask other soldiers and hear them say yes, and I can ask my friends and hear them say no, but in the end, it is only I myself who can find those answers.
After basic training, I intend on training myself as an engineer, that I can combine my intellectual pursuits with my love of real-life usage and find purpose in what I do. Whether or not it truly calls to me is yet to be determined. As to what I shall do after my 6 year tenure of military service… I have yet to decide. Should I find it unsatisfactory… perhaps I will go out into the world and find a job elsewhere. Should I enjoy my life, then I will almost certainly stay and train to become a full-fledged officer.
…All in all, though… my thoughts all lead back to warm arms and smiling faces, of loving hearts and whispered nothings. All the logic and security in the world shall never match love's sweet embrace, which once felt makes all else feel inadequate. It is something I know I cannot have right now…
But oh… how I wish it soon. How badly I desire it…
Just some feelings on recent events and revelations, written during downtime at school and home.
© 2011 - 2024 TrueKnight25
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